Question from a new Dad

Armin Brott:  New parents whether they are dads or moms are often worried about how they are going to establish a relationship with their kids and that was kind of the topic of an interesting email I got from a brand new dad.  Dear Mr. Dad, I’m a new dad and I often overhear new moms talking about mother/child bonding.  No one ever seems to say anything about dads bonding with kids.  Do we? 

Well first of all, I’ve got to thank you for asking such a perceptive question.  It’s one of the most wide spread and most enduing myths about child caring is that women are somehow more nurturing then men and that they are better suited for parenting.  One of my colleagues, Russ Parke, and I wrote a book with him a couple of years ago called Throwaway Dads, he made a discovery that really was pretty shocking to some traditionalist out there.  It turns out that fathers were just as caring and interested and involved with their infants as mothers were. 

When they were observed they held and touched and kissed and rocked and cooed their new babies at the same frequency as new moms did.  But a lot of new dads and a lot of moms too, don’t feel particularly close to their new baby immediately after birth.  Somewhere around 40% of new parents, brand new parents in fact say that their first reaction to their baby is hmm kind of indifference.  Well it makes some sense really though. 

After all you don’t even know this little person, he may look differently than you expected, probably will and if your partner’s labor and delivery was pretty long and arduous you might unconsciously be blaming the baby for some of the difficulties there or you might even be simply to exhausted to appreciate your new arrival.  So if you haven’t established an instant bond with your baby just yet, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. 

More importantly, there is absolutely no evidence that the relationship or your feelings with your child are going to be any less intense or less loving than if you had fallen head over heels with your baby in the first second. You’ve just got to take your time, don’t feel pressured, it’s going to happen eventually – guaranteed. 

If you’ve got a comment or a question you would like to get the dads perspective about you can drop me a line through the www.babytalkradio.com website or you can visit my website www.mrdad.com of course you can send an email from there and you can find out about the various books I’ve written starting with the Expectant Father going on the first year and the toddler years.  I’ve got a podcast for dads, a daily podcast called the Daddy Cast and a brand new DVD that’s called Toolbox for New Dads.  You can also subscribe to my monthly newsletter, The Mr. Dad.com newsletter.  You can do all of that at www.mrdad.com.