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As parents we get all sorts of
messages from the culture, from media, from other people that we are
supposed to love our children unconditional all the time. The problem is
that things don’t always work out that way. Let me read you an email that I
just got about exactly this topic.
Dear Mr. Dad: Sometimes I get so
angry at my baby. I never done anything to hurt him and I hope I never will
but I feel horrible even having those feelings in the first place. Does
this mean I’m not cut out to be a parent?
Well in the very beginning all
new parents get all caught up in how wonderful it is to have a child and how
perfect and well behaved their babies are, at least that’s what we tell
other people and we tell ourselves and other people that we love our kids so
much that if our kids were ever in any danger we would throw ourselves in
front of a steam roller or speeding truck to stop them.
But what we never admit is that
every once in awhile our kids try us so badly that we get so furious that we
be tempted to throw them under the steam roller and those feelings are of
course immediately followed by feelings of guilt and shame. After all what
kind of dad would have such a horrible thought about his own kids?
Well the reality is that every
dad has those kinds of thoughts about his own kids and every mom too.
Anybody that tells you that they haven’t had a moment of blinding fury like
that or more than one is lying to you. Besides the child’s actual behavior
there is a lot of other things like job pressures or financial difficulties,
health problems or even car trouble that can be redirected and make us lash
out at our kids.
Whatever the reason for your
anger, remember that there is nothing wrong with feeling it, it’s what you
do with it that’s a problem or could be a problem. Here are some
suggestions that I think that will help you understand and better deal with
your own anger. First of all, try to change your perspective.
Although your baby may do
something every once in awhile deliberately to annoy you, most of his
actions are really beyond his control. In fact being able to make you angry
is a normal part of child development. Second, keep your sense of humor.
It may be a pain to clean up a drawing on the wall with lipstick, or
smashing grapes into a white carpet can be funny if you let it. Try to take
regular breaks.
This can help you keep minor
annoyances from accumulating and boiling over and make sure that your
partner gets plenty of time off too. Give yourself a time out, try to
remove yourself from the situation and from your child before you do
something that you will regret for a long time. Watch what you say.
Don’t insult or humiliate your
child. If you’ve got to criticize him, do it in private. Contrary to the
old adage that sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never
hurt me, calling your baby names can in fact have more negative long term
effect than hitting. Use eye messages when you are talking to your kid, I
know this sounds a little spacey but this actually works.
I don’t like it when you scratch
me, it hurts, it is a much more effectiveness than saying you’re a bad girl
because you scratched me. Saying things like you always or you never can
fill a child with a sense of futility that she’ll fail no matter what she
does or how hard she tries. Try to avoid mixed messages, this is kind of
tough but yelling at your child to stop yelling is probably not going to do
you much good. Watch what you do.
Your kids are going to learn a
lot more about how to express anger from watching you and watching how you
express your anger than from being punished and listening to your
explanations so don’t let you toddler vent steam in a physical way. You
won’t be able to understand what you are talking about, he won’t be able to
understand your anger and you might even be afraid that you are going to
turn on him.
He can also try to imitate you
and very well hurt himself or someone else’s property. It is ok to get
physical as long as you are doing it some place else, take a long jog, punch
a pillow, take a boxing class, those are all great ways to let off steam. If
there are any batting cages, try them out. If you squint, slow moving
softballs can look an awful lot like a human head. It’s ok to have those
thoughts remember, it’s what you do with them that could potentially be a
problem.
If you’ve got a comment or
question that you would like to get the dad’s perspective about you can drop
me a line through the Baby Talk Radio website (http://www.babytalkradio.com)
or you can visit my website
http://www.mrdad.com. You can send me email through there and you can
find out about the various books I’ve written starting with The Expectant
Father going onto the first year and the toddler years. I’ve got a
podcast for dads, a daily podcast called The Daddy Cast and a brand new DVD
that’s called Toolbox for New Dads. You can also subscribe to my monthly
newsletter, the Mr. Dad dot com newsletter. You can do all of that at
http://www.mrdad.com.
